


Over The Edge

by pipedream69



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Fanfiction, M/M, No beta we let god decide who lives and died, None of these characters are mine, Self Harm, Someone take my phone away from me, fuck writing tbh, mild mild implied smut, they all belong to JK Rowling, what is writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:33:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24032083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipedream69/pseuds/pipedream69
Summary: Harry Potter is going back to Hogwarts for his fifth year. But how will he cope with his worsening depression, especially with Voldemort back and out to get him. *Self Harm Warning* Eventual Drarry.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	1. The Dursley’s

**Author's Note:**

> A/N  
> I do not own any of these characters nor the Harry Potter universe. They all belong to JK Rowling.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is depressed and sad at The Dursley’sTM

_Cedric's reaching out to me and he hears the voice._

_"Kill the spare"_

_And all of a sudden Cedric's sprawled on the ground._

_The scene shifts and he's tied to the grave watching Voldemort rise, watching him walk towards him, his finger reaching towards him..._

—

Harry bolted straight up in bed, breathing hard. The dream fresh in his head, his scar pounding. He looked around wildly for a second before bursting into tears. 

"God why does this always happen to me" He whispers to himself after a while. 

He sat in his bed for what felt like hours and hours until the sun came up and he heard the Dursley's starting to move, which meant he had to start going as well. 

He dragged himself out of bed and slowly got himself ready for the day, putting on a shirt and combing through his unruly hair with his hands. Letting his emotions shut off into that now familiar numbness that he'd been feeling since the end of the Triwizard Tournament. 

Sometimes he tried to fight it, the numbness, but usually it didn't work. Sometimes it just doesn't come, like last night, and he's stuck with all this overwhelming sadness. It's crushing when he feels it, so he's come to enjoy the numb. 

Then he heard Aunt Petunia calling him. 

"Harry get down here and start on breakfast!!"

He sighed and made his way down the stairs to the Dursley's kitchen. He automatically started making copious amounts of eggs, bacon, and potatoes in order to satisfy the beasts that were his cousin, Dudley, and Uncle Vernon. 

They ate like pigs and Harry didn't understand how they do it, especially now that he wasn't really eating. It's not like he meant to stop eating, he just kept forgetting about it. And he wasn't very hungry anymore anyways so he supposed it didn't make too much of a difference. 

"Hurry up there boy! I need to eat and so does Dudley here after those demonteraters" Thundered Uncle Vernon. Reminding Harry yet again of the Dementor attack just a few nights ago that had resulted in him getting multiple letters from the Ministry Of Magic and the possibility of getting expelled from Hogwarts. 

He for some reason hadn't gotten into too much trouble at the Dursley's, Aunt Petunia has miraculously defended him after receiving a strange howler. 

Harry began obediently bringing the large plates of food over to the table setting them down quickly. That's how he ended up burning himself on a particularly hot plate, he went to pick it up and it had burned his hand. He had yelped and pulled away, more out of instinct then pain, resulting in him spilling the plate and it's contents all over the clean kitchen floor, which is how he managed to be locked up in his room on Sunday, August the 6th. 

The Dursley's had gone out for the day and he wasn't to do anything, not that he was planning on it anyways, when he heard something downstairs. A few thuds were emanating from the kitchen below and if Harry strained his ears hard enough he could hear low whispers. He knew he should be concerned, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. The Dursley's couldn't possibly blame him for it because he was locked in his room. Except, Now he wasn't. He had just heard the lock click into the unlocked position.  
He was a little confused and so debated on checking it out. 

Curiosity eventually got the better of him and he slowly made his way over to the door, opened it quietly, and walked out. He quickly walked down the hall towards the stairs, listening hard for the robbers. Wait. No he had just heard one. Not a robber, But a very familiar voice. He carefully walked down the stairs and gasped at the congregation of people in the front hall. 

"Hello Harry"


	2. The Advanced Guard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two of Harry’s old teachers are in his house. No he didn’t get magically transported to school. Instead he’s being rescued by.....THE ADVANCED GUARD *dun dun duuunnnnnn*

"Hello Harry" 

Harry was frozen in disbelief, because standing in front of him was his former Defense Against The Arts teacher. Remus Lupin was standing in front of him with a small smile. 

"Sorry Harry it's good to see you but I have to do this. What was the first animal I brought into your Defense against the Dark Arts class" 

Harry responded with ease. He relished the year he had with Professor Lupin as his DADA teacher. However. He was less keen on his year with Professor Moody, who was coincidentally standing right in front of him. 

"Hello Professor Moody." 

"Well boy it wasn't me who was teachin' ya now was it. It was that grimy Barry Crouch" Moody grumbled. 

Then shouted his token line "CONSTANT VIGILANCE" right in Harry's ear. 

That's when he noticed the sheer amount of people that jumped at that. There was a short wizard, a thin witch, Lupin, Moody, and a young witch with purple hair. 

"Who are all these people?" Harry asked Moody. 

"We're the advanced guard boy. We've come to pick you up. Take you to headquarters." 

Harry just stared at him, not believing his luck. After a few moments he said 

"The Burrow?"

"No boy somewhere else" 

Harry was confused but said "I've got to pack my bags." 

The young witch with purple hair followed him up to help and he found out her name was Tonks, or at least that's what she liked to be called. 

"Well then, let's get going!"

Tonks looked around the room as Harry packed. She walked over to his mirror and stared at herself for a few minutes looking deep in thought. 

"Do you think purples my colour?" She said suddenly. 

"Umm. What?" 

"It makes me look a little peaky I think. Best to change it." She screwed up her face in concentration and then, Pop, her hair turned a brilliant shade of bubblegum pink. 

"Ah. Much better don't ya think?" She said, turning to look at Harry. 

Obviously seeing his baffled expression she explained. "I'm a metamorphmagus. I can change any part of myself at will." She told him. "It's great for being an auror. Shame not many people have it. Now then. Let's finish this packing" 

she flicked her wand and his things flew into his trunk rather haphazardly. 

She frowned. "Hmph. I was never good at cleaning spells. My mother was much better. Somehow got the socks to fold themselves and everything" 

she turned to Hedwig's cage and tried a quick " **Scorgify** " which only managed to clean it a bit. 

After a few more minutes they were done packing and went back downstairs where they informed him they would be flying to their destination. 

"Why flying?" He asked "why can't we take the Flo? Or apparate?" 

"Your not old enough to apparate and the Flo can be traced. We don't need anyone knowing where we are Harry" Remus explained softly. 

Harry didn't ask anymore and eventually found himself out on the Dursley's back lawn, pushing off into the night sky on his firebolt. 

Harry loved flying. It's one of the best feelings and if he's being honest the first time he's felt close to happy in a long time. 

They flew for hours and hours Moody directing them in complicated patterns and doubling back until everyone was frozen to their brooms. Harry enjoyed every second, though he wished he had brought a jacket. 

After about two hours in Harry's mind they started their decent. They spiralled down onto a grassy park across from what looked like a muggle housing development. 

Before Harry could ask where they were Moody handed him a small piece of paper. 

"Take this and memorize it quickly" he said shoving the paper into his hand roughly. 

Harry looked at the slip and saw four words written there. 

**Number 12 Grimmauld Place.**


	3. The Order Of The Phoenix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is mad that his friends didn’t tell him about The Order. Harry is mad he can’t join the order. Harry is just mad in general

Harry looked at the words a few more times then handed the paper back to Moody. 

"What do I do now?" He asked, a bit confused. 

"You say what you read boy" Moody said sounding a bit exasperated. 

Harry took a deep breath and said  
"Number 12 Grimmauld Place." 

He looked on in disbelief as Number 11 and Number 13 Grimmauld Place started shaking and moving apart to reveal a grim greyish black coloured building between them. The lights shook and things rattled all around but the Muggles didn't seem to notice. There must be some sort of magic on the place then thought Harry. 

They started walking towards the door of the house and Harry followed. As soon as he got inside he was ambushed in a large tight hug from Ms Weasley. 

"Oh Harry dear you've made it thank goodness I was getting worried. Now the order is still in a meeting so why don't you go up to find the others. Second floor, Second door on the left now dear Ron and Hermione will explain everything" 

Harry, not knowing exactly what to think about all this, followed Ms Weasleys instructions and climbed the stairs. No sooner had he gotten to the top then he was greeted by Hermione's lightening fast beat hug. 

He stumbled a bit but regained his balance as Hermione called "Harry! Ron, Ron Harry's here! He's here!" 

She let go of Harry looking a bit guilty at the perplexed expression on his face. 

"Hey mate" Ron said coming out of the room and leaning on the door frame smiling. 

"What is this place?" Harry asked. Almost immediately the smile dropped of of Ron's face and Hermione looked down guiltily. 

"Uh you should come in and and sit down" Ron said moving into the room. 

"So this is Headquarters for the Order Of The Phoenix. It's a group of witches and wizards Dumbledore has gathered to help defeat You Know Who." he said hesitantly. 

Hermione must have caught the look crossing Harry's face because she quickly said "We're sorry we didn't tell you about it. Dumbledore forbid us to say anything in case someone intercept something" 

Harry was getting more and more angry by the second. First, he gets in trouble for saving his no good cousin, and then he's best friends kept secrets from him?

"How long has this been happening" He said in a low voice. 

Hermione looked about ready to cry, and Ron looked very guilty indeed. 

"The whole summer." Ron said so quietly it could have been a whisper. 

"THE WHOLE SUMMER?!" Harry thundered. "HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME SOMETHING THIS BIG ALL SUMMER!!!!" 

"Dumbledore made us promise not to tell..." Hermione faltered. Harry looked absolutely murderous. 

"Your supposed to be my friends"  
Harry intoned in an almost venomous voice, before walking out the room and thundering down the stairs to the door of the kitchens where the meeting was being held. 

He burst into the room just as they were cleaning up. 

"I want to join" 

Sirius was the first to speak. "Of course you would want to join Harry. And I feel you have the right to know some things. But you aren't old enough to join the Order just yet. I will tell you what you need to know a little later."

Harry calmed a bit. He'd get to know things. Sirius always knew what to do. 

The other adults looked incredibly surprised and several tried to object but Sirius would just put up his hand and they would stop. 

"Harry. The order thinks that there's something out there that Voldemort is looking for. Something he didn't have last time. We're not sure what it is but we think it's in the ministry." He explained. "Unfortunately that's all I can tell you right now Harry." He said with a sad smile. 

Harry was smart enough to know that he wasn't going to be able to get anything else out of him so he left it. 

He needed to apologize to Ron and Hermione anyways.


	4. The Ministry Of Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry’s almost late for his trial, he gets to go in a moving telephone box, and Ms Weasley is a kind ass human as usual.

The days rolled by as Harry slowly came to terms with not knowing about The Order. 

It was the usual latter half of the summer vacation for him. Hanging out with Ron and Hermione, catching up on homework, and Ms Weasley giving him third helpings at every meal. It was so normal he almost forgot about the trial. That is until Mr Weasley reminded him the night before. 

"Harry you have to be up nice and early tomorrow to get to the ministry. Molly will make sure to have a good breakfast ready for you." 

Harry looked up quickly confused, then remembered about the trial. 

"Alright". Harry nodded. 

The next morning Harry woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of Ron moving around the room. 

"C'mon mate! Mums made bacon and eggs!" Ron said sounding as delighted as can be. Harry swears he can eat more then Hagrid sometimes. 

Harry crawled out of bed and got dressed in his nice clothes, he had laid them out the night before, and tried to do something with his unruly hair but ultimately gave up and went downstairs. 

"Ah there you are Harry dear" Ms Weasley called as he walked into the kitchen. 

Mr Weasley, Ron, Hermione, and the Twins were all sitting around the table eating. 

"Come on, quickly now, you need to eat well before you leave. Stressful things those trials don't know why they would put a child through it" Ms Weasley ranted. 

"Molly, dear remember that if he didn't have this trial he would be expelled" Mr Weasley gently reminded his wife. 

"Yes yes of course" she muttered, piling food onto Harry's plate. 

And hour and 3 servings of food later, Harry and Mr Weasley were at the door about to leave. Ms Weasley hovered around them pressing a piece of toast into Harry's hands, Ron and Hermione hugged him and wished him luck, and Fred and George cracked jokes about Harry getting expelled. Ms Weasley kept reprimanding them for it but personally Harry thought the jokes were a riot. 

Eventually they managed to get off the door and stood on the first step of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Mr Weasley offered Harry his arm and as soon as Harry took it, apparated them to a deserted muggle street. They crept down the block to an old telephone box where Mr Weasley punched in 5 numbers then held the receiver to his ear. 

"Hello and thank you for contacting the Ministry Of Magics visitors office how may I help you" Harry could hear the phone saying. 

Mr Weasley presses a few more numbers and a shining silver badge with "Ministry Of Magic, Guest" written on it. 

Once he took the badge the bottom of the telephone box started moving down like an elevator until he could see the shining floors and grand entrance hall of the Ministry. 

They got out and went over to security. After a good deal of waiting in line the security officer inspected Harry's wand and deemed him fit to enter. They crossed the room to the Golden lifts and got in. Mr Weasley started talking to a large man and Harry decided he didn't want to listen, though he wished he had when Mr Weasley turned around looking pale and shocked. 

"What happened?" Harry asked him, curious. 

"It seems that your court hearing has been moved up a bit. We only have 5 minutes to get there." Mr Weasley said nervously. 

After what seemed like ages the lift stopped and Harry heard a disembodied female voice saying " _Level 9, Department of Mystery's._ " 

Mr Weasley quickly got off and made a beeline towards the middle of the hall and Harry followed him as he made a sharp turn onto some staircases. Harry followed him down onto the next floor and towards a large door set into the wall with **Courtroom 10** written on it in big bold letters. 

"Alright Harry this is it. Don't know why'd they'd hold the hearing down here though. Anyways. Get on your way don't want to be late. I'll be back by the time it ends to take you home." 

"Your not coming with me?" Harry said, a tad nervously. 

"Unfortunately I can't Harry. I've got work and you'll be fine now go on there." Mr Weasley patted Harry's shoulder. 

Harry, feeling incredibly nervous, walked through the door and descended down the grimly lit staircase into the waiting area of the court room. 

He sat down and waited for them to call him in. He was just starting to wonder whether he was just supposed to go in when someone came through the doors to the courtroom. 

"This way Mr Potter" the man said calmly. 

Harry followed him into the courtroom and took a seat in the lonely chair in the middle of the room. 

This is it, he thought, this is the day they decide if I get expelled from  
Hogwarts.


	5. The Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry tries to convince the Minister(ew) of his innocence. Obviously he’s just a good bean but oh no he can’t keep saying Voldemort’s back cause Mr. Lime Green Bowler Hat says that’s a no no

Harry looked around the courtroom and took in his surroundings. In front of him was a very tall raised platform where several people were sitting, and behind him was a ring of seats for what he supposed were spectators, of which there were none thankfully. The Minister For Magic, Cornelius Fudge, who was sitting on the raised platform at the very front, welcomed him and began listing off his charges and the people around him. 

"Disciplinary hearing of the twelfth of August into offences committed under the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery and the International Statute of Secrecy by Harry James Potter, resident at number four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey." 

Harry rolled his eyes. "There were dementors!!" He said loudly. 

Fudge continued on like he didn't hear him. 

"Interrogators: Cornelius Oswald Fudge, Minister For Magic; Amelia Susan Bones, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement; Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister; Court Scribe, Percy Ignatius Weasley-"

Harry looked over at Percy hoping to see some flicker of recognition, but he was already bent over his parchment writing furiously. 

Then Harry heard a calm voice behind him say: "Witness for the defence, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore" 

Harry spun around so quickly he hurt his neck but he didn't care. 

Dumbledore was there! He would make it right. Surely he wouldn't get expelled with Dumbledore in the room right? 

Fudge looked distinctly unhappy about Dumbledores arrival but didn't say anything. Then he asked for Harry's account of what happened. 

"Well sir me and my cousin, Dudley, we're walking down the street and all of a sudden it just got cold. And everything went dark. And Dudley was freaking out. I saw dementors and what they did to people last year at Hogwarts so I knew it was a dementor when I started feeling sad and like nothing would ever make me happy ever again. It was awful. Professor Lupin had taught me the Patronus Charm last year and a dementor had grabbed Dudley and was about to kiss him so you see I had no choice but to use the Patronus Charm sir." 

Once he finished his explanation, one of the woman leaned forwards, she had a small stout figure with a toad like face and a big pink bow on top of her head which looked frankly a bit ridiculous. 

"Are you telling me, Mr Potter, that there were dementors in Little Whinging." 

"Yes mame." 

"Now that's just ridiculous, why would there be dementors in Little Whinging?" 

"Oh idk. Maybe Voldemort has started to take control like we warned you he would" Harry spat angrily. 

"Now, now Harry" Fudge interrupted. "Voldemort is not back. He will never come back" 

Harry scowled but he knew a lost cause when he saw one and didn't argue anymore. 

The trial went on and on, he spoke, Dumbledore spoke, Fudge spoke amongst his little minions up there, and even Miss Figg came and spoke! Harry still couldn't believe she was a squib. 

Eventually. It came time for the Jury to decide his fate. He couldn't be expelled right? He had done the right thing hadn't he? He waited with baited breath as the minister and his people talked quietly amongst each other. 

Then Fudge stood up and said. "All in favour of punishing the accused."

His hand went up and so did the toad like lady's. He made note of this and sighed in defeat.

"All in favour of letting the accused go and clearing him of all charges" everyone else's hands went up. 

"Very well then" Fudge said "I hereby clear Harry James Potter of any and all charges placed on him by this court of law" 

Harry didn't think he'd ever smiled this wide. But. He didn't think he was as happy as he should be. Still he walked out with Dumbledore looking happy and he went home with Mr Weasley and told everyone the happy news and celebrated with them. He was glad that that weight was off his shoulders but there was something more, pressing, on his mind. 

He'd been noticing things lately. Things being guys. Muggles on the street mostly but also how fit the Weasley twins were, or how Ron's jawline had a gentle, attractive slope to it. Stuff like that. He wasn't sure exactly what it meant but he was pretty sure that, he, Harry James Potter, was gay. 

And he wasn't sure exactly what to do about it.


	6. Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has self harm in it so beware my sweet children

Harry had had lots of time to think this over, he had gone to the library, payed more attention to his observations, looked stuff up online, etc etc. And Harry Potter was fairly sure he was gay. Utterly and irrevocably gay. He was kinda freaked about the whole thing but he knew, at least, that he had to tell people. He decided that he would do it at dinner the next day. 

So he waited. He walked around all day, rather jittery, and was unusually quiet. As dinner approached he just closed more into himself. 

Finally it was dinner and so Harry sat through it. It was both fast and unbearably slow and then before he knew it. Dinner was over. He had missed his chance. 

And so it went on like this for the rest of the week. Then the next. And then finally, two days before they had to leave for Hogwarts, he finally just did it. After dessert had been set on the table, Harry stood up and said quickly 

"I have to tell all of you something" 

Everyone was staring at him expectedly as he tried to find the words. 

"Go on then dear," Ms Weasley said in a soothing tone. "I'm sure whatever it is will be alright" 

Harry smiled at her thankfully. It was just what he needed to hear. He turned back to the table and blurted out: 

"Imprettysurethatimgay" 

Everyone stared at him for a second and then Ron broke the silence by saying  
"blimey mate is that all? That's great!" 

At that almost everyone started laughing and Harry sat down. The rest of the dinner was very comfortable with people congratulating him and cracking jokes and the like. Harry thought that it was amazing that everyone was just so, accepting! In the muggle world people weren't near as accepting as they were, None the less he loved all of them there for accepting him as he is. 

After dinner finished, Ron and Hermione went upstairs and Sirius pulled Harry over. 

Sirius looked at Harry very seriously and said  
" I'm proud of you Harry. So very proud. I know how hard this must have been for you and I'm honoured you trusted us all enough to share that with us." Sirius smirked. "Now go find yourself a lad off at Hogwarts to snog Eh?" He laughed. 

Harry laughed to and hugged Sirius. 

"Thanks" He whispered quietly into Sirius' chest. Sirius smiled, kissed the top of his head, and ruffled his hair. 

"No problem kiddo" 

Harry ran upstairs to join Hermione and Ron and he spent his last free night of summer vacation, he'd have to pack the next day, talking and laughing and playing around with his best friends. 

Around midnight they got pretty serious and started asking him questions about his sexuality and how he knew and such but over all it was a really good night. 

Hermione ended up going back to her room around two and him and Ron fell asleep not long after, tired out after the exciting events of the day. 

The next morning Harry woke up around noon and went down for a late brunch that Ms Weasley had made up, and then went straight back upstairs to pack up his trunk. 

He had all his supplies as Ms Weasley had gone out and bought it for him while he was at the ministry for the trial. They had also discovered a few days earlier that Hermione and, surprisingly, Ron, had been made prefects. When Ms Weasley had found out she'd just about thrown a fit in here happiness, and Ron has gotten a shiny new broom for it.

Harry was just finishing putting most of his things in his trunk when a wave of, something, passed over him. It was so strong he had to sit down for a second. He slowly laid down on his bed and breathed deeply. He felt the numbness beginning to take over again and that's when he realized the something was a wave of sadness. That he couldn't control. So he welcomed the numb again. He tried to distract himself from the new sadness but couldn't find anything to do so he went downstairs to help Ms Weasley with dinner. 

She got him cutting the potatoes for her while she went and cleaned up a bit and so he started dicing them into neat enough cubes to be roasted. 

Unfortunately he wasn't paying attention and suddenly the knife slipped through his hands and cut his palm. He screwed his eyes shut waiting for the pain to set in, but it never did. 

In fact it almost felt. Good. Like a release. Harry stood there for a few seconds marvelling at how it felt and then cleaned himself up and went back to chopping the potatoes. 

But he couldn't get the memory of how it felt out of his head. Later that night he laid in bed and replayed it over and over, fingering the cut absentmindedly. 

He had to try that again.


	7. The Hogwarts Express

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is a confused sad baby gay

Harry woke up bright and early the day they had to go to Kings Cross. He was still one of the last ones to wake up though. 

Ms Weasley was downstairs making breakfast and snacks for the train, Mr Weasley was reading the paper, Sirius was laughing with Fred and George, Tonks was making faces at Ginny causing her to snort into her pudding, Hermione had her nose in a book while petting Crookshanks, and Ron was pacing quickly most likely nervous to be a prefect. 

Harry looked around feeling as though he should be happier, more excited, but instead all he felt was rather sad. He would miss Sirius and it wouldn't be the same with Ron on Prefect duty all the time. But as he didn't want to ruin anyone else's day, he plastered on a fake smile and sat down. 

As everyone had already packed most of the stuff they needed it was rather calmer then usual but the house was still amuck with people running around grabbing things from abandoned rooms and throwing them into their trunks. 

Harry had to run and grab a couple of stray socks and books but other then that he was fine. 

As soon as everyone was ready to go they all side along apparated to a small alleyway near Kings Cross. Mr Weasley went and got them all trolleys and they loaded there things on to them. 

They walked into the station, Sirius trotting along behind them in his dog form, and geared up to run into the platform. They went in pairs, Fred and George first, then Mr Weasley and Sirius, Then Ms Weasley and Ginny, and finally Harry and Ron. 

They broke into a run as they got close and Harry closed his eyes. When he opens them again they are on Platform 9 3/4. He looks around with nostalgia remembering all the things that have happened over the years trying to make himself feel what he should be feeling, but he still felt sad and empty. Once again though he places a fake smile on his face and loads his trunk onto the train. After a lot of pushing and pulling and lifting, everyone's things are on the train. They get off again to say goodbye to Mr and Ms Weasley and to Sirius who they all give loving pats on the head to. Ms Weasley gives all her children big, bone crushing hugs and Hermione blushes when she's pulled in as well. Harry just merely smiles as he's used to Ms Weasley compassion for them, though he is a bit embarrassed when he realizes she has tears in her eyes after pulling away from them. 

While Ms Weasley is congratulating Ron and Hermione yet again on becoming prefects, Harry looks around the station to see all the other students being sent off by their parents. 

Suddenly his eyes settle on a boy who's off in the corner talking to some others, he wasn't sure who it is but he sure was good looking, even from the back Harry could tell that he had a toned figure and he could definitely see he had a nice ass even through the robes he was wearing. 

Harry scanned the boys body, his long legs, slim torso, all the way up to his pale blonde hair. Wait. Harry thought... He thought he knew who that pale blond hair belonged to and he didn't want to believe it. 

But then the boy in question turned around and Harry gasped as fear gripped his body. Not cause he was scared of the boy that had just turned around, but because that boy was Draco Malfoy, and Harry thought he looked rather handsome. 

"Harry. Harry!" 

Someone was speaking to him. He turned around to see Hermione trying to get his attention. 

"Um sorry spaced off a bit. What were you saying?" He asked. 

Hermione rolled her eyes a bit but smiled. 

"I just said that we better get on, the trains going to leave soon." 

Harry nodded and without meaning to looked around and his eyes landed on Draco once more. He ripped himself away and followed Hermione onto the train and into their compartment. 

Once the train started and had pulled away from the station, Hermione and Ron got up to go to the Prefects compartment. 

"We'll be back soon Harry!" They both said as they left. 

But Harry was hardly listening. No matter how hard he tried to get it out of his head he just couldn't stop thinking about the way Malfoys hair had looked, or how his grey eyes were like storm clouds. 

Bloody hell, he thought, I fancy Malfoy. He shook his head in disbelief. "This can not be happening" He muttered to himself, leaning his forehead against the window. 

"This can't be bloody happening".


	8. The Sorting Feast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umbitch is back and Draco is still hot read on for more

Harry couldn't believe it. He could not believe it. He fancied Draco bloody Malfoy. He had to get over this. And fast. Like. Ultra fast. He berated himself for even paying it this much attention and pulled himself away from his thoughts to try and enjoy himself with his two best friends. 

By the time things started going bad the Trolley Witch had already come and gone, and they were just finishing the last of the chocolate frogs, when Harry heard footsteps and the door to their compartment slid open. 

Shit. He had completely forgotten about Malfoy's yearly compartment visit's. 

"Well, well, we'll, Potter. Back for another year? I'd think you'd have thought twice after last years events. Poor little Potter facing the big bad Dark Lord." Malfoy taunted. 

"Fuck off Malfoy" Harry muttered distractedly. No matter how mad he was at him he couldn't help but notice how his hair was swooped just right, and how that smirk was having more of an effect on him then he would like to admit. 

Malfoy chuckled. "Scared Potter?" He sneered. 

Harry stood up and pulled out his wand, pointing it at Malfoy and his goons, 

"You wish Malfoy". 

And at that he flicked his wand and Malfoy was pushed out of the compartment as the door slid shut, Rattling in its frame. 

"Yo, mate, you alright?" Ron asked, his voice a touch hesitant. 

"Ya, just Malfoy's bloody annoying. Why's he have to go after us like that every year?" Harry grumbled. 

Ron nodded, apparently taking this as an acceptable answer and went back to raving about the Chudley Canons. 

The rest of the train ride went like that, pretty uneventfully. Sooner then he would have liked, it was time to get their robes on as the train was starting to slow down. 

They got off the train and waited in line for a carriage. They ended up a few people behind Malfoy and so Harry spent that wait sneakily taking in every inch of his body. He looked lean and fit, probably from quidditch like himself, and he was tall, about the same height as Harry. Maybe a bit taller. He would be nice to fuck. Harry decided he wouldn't let himself think of anything more. Malfoy would be good for a quick fuck and nothing else. 

Harry shook his head and scolded himself for even thinking that. To distract himself until Malfoy went away, he turned away and dug his nails into his palm under his cloak. 

Eventually a carriage pulled up in front of them and Ron and Hermione moved to get in. But Harry couldn't bring himself to move because instead of the carriages pulling themselves there was something in front! A big black skeletal being that looked vaguely like a horse was pulling each carriage! 

"Uh. You coming mate?" Ron poked his head out. Harry climbed in a confused look on his face. 

"What's with the things pulling the carriages this year?" He asked vaguely to Hermione and Ron. 

"What do you mean Harry, nothings pulling the carriages. Nothing ever has..." Hermione said, a concerned edge to her voice. 

"No, no there something pulling it this year, look! He pointed out the window, "they're right there!" 

Ron had a look on his face that told Harry he thought he was going bonkers and Hermione looked a tad concerned, as though he was babbling nonsense. Just then a small airy voice drifted up from the side of the carriage.

"Don't worry, I see them too. I have since my first year. Your just as sane as I am" A blond Ravenclaw said, looking up from her book. She was so quiet that he hadn't even realized she was there until now. 

Although he wasn't sure he was very comforted by her statement as she seemed to be wearing radishes from her ears and was reading a strangely coloured magazine called The Quibbler upside down. Nevertheless Harry smiled at her softly and turned away. Looks like he wouldn't be getting his answer then. 

Soon enough they were at the school sitting down at their House Tables getting ready to see The Sorting. While they were waiting though Harry happened to glance up at the staff table and noticed a short, stout, vaguely toad like woman wearing all pink. 

Harry gasped. "It's Umbridge!" 

"What? Who's that Harry?" Hermione asked. Harry pointed up to wear she was talking to Dumbledore.

"Just there. The one in all pink. She was at my hearing! She works for Fudge!" 

Hermione started a bit at that and started muttering to herself eyes wide, but before he could ask what was wrong the first years arrived. 

After a bit of waiting the brim of the dirty old hat that had been sitting on the stool ripped open and started singing a song. Harry tried to concentrate on what it was saying, he really did, but his attention kept wavering and he found his eyes wandering over to a specific blonde across the hall a few times. 

After averting his gaze several times, Harry gave up and decided to just give in and stare at the perfect boy across the hall from him. He let his eyes roam around the parts of the boys body he could see and was just thinking about how much he would like to find himself in a dark deserted corridor with him, when food suddenly appeared on the table in front of him. 

He piled his plate high, thankful for the distraction the food gave him as he was a little scared of how far his thoughts might go considering the slytherin had such an exceptional reputation in the art of sexual acts that even he knew about it. Later as he lay in bed he would think more on that but right now he just focused on the treacle that has just appeared before him. 

They spent the rest of dinner talking and laughing about how good it was to be back and what classes they would have. Harry was not looking forward to potions as he knew he had it with the Slytherin's and he was sure that his grades would be dropping considerably in that course and any classes they had with the slytherin variety. 

They went up to the common room after getting the password from the Head Boy, and, feeling very full and tired, they all went up to their dormitories and got dressed for bed. 

All the boys fell asleep pretty quickly except for Harry who, for the life of him, could not get Malfoy out of his bloody head. He thought he would surely go insane if he thought about him any moment longer so, once he assured himself that all the boys were asleep, he crept out of bed and into the bathroom. 

Quietly closing the door behind him, he sat down on the floor against the tub and pulled up his shirt, pointing his wand at his side and murmuring a quick cutting charm. This time the pain was sharp and he gasped a bit as he felt the sting of the cut along his side. He stood up and looked at it in the mirror for a bit, watching the blood bloom and spill onto his side, before closing it up swiftly and going back to bed feeling much more relaxed. 

Well Harry thought that's one way to get him out of my head. And promptly fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.


	9. Potions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco misses a potions class and Harry has to partner with him on a project. This shall be gay

Harry woke up the next morning feeling a bit more refreshed then normal, the bed here was much softer then the Dursley's, but the numbness was still there. It pressed on his chest like something passively sitting there. He ignored it. 

He went through his usual routine; get up, shower, get dressed, get breakfast even though he was never hungry anymore, and then go to class. 

During Transfiguration, their first class of the day, Hermione sat next to him and handed him a protein bar as she had every day that week. She had obviously noticed him picking at his food at every meal (he wasn't hungry plus why would he eat when he could look at Draco Malfoy from across the room!) and had made up her mind to do something about it even though Harry had shut her down when she tried to mention it. He just took the protein bar and took a bite more out of respect then out of hunger. 

Classes that day went pretty much as usual, nothing out of the ordinary.   
Defense was as boring as usual. Umbitch, as most of the school had taken to calling her, had insisted that there be no practical lessons in her class. All they did was answer questions from the black board and read the books she had assigned. It was awful. 

His next hated class was obvious. Potions. He hated it for two very good reasons. The first one was very obvious, Professor Snape was kind of a dick. But the second was less obvious,at least he hoped it was. His second reason for hating Potions was that every single time he walked in that goddamn room his heart stopped. Because every single time, there was Draco, Harry had decided that since the crush wasn't going away he might as well call him by his first name, sitting right there already pulling out his notes and supplies. He was infuriatingly handsome and Harry hated it. How the hell was he supposed to get any good work done when that infuriating blonde masterpiece was sitting across the room from him! And two tables down too so of course Harry had a unobstructed view of his perfect arse which he frequently got distracted by no matter how hard he tried. And just his luck. He had potions next. 

As he walked down to the dungeons with Ron and Hermione he braced himself for the inevitable mini heart attack he would have when he walked into the room. He took a deep breath and walked through the door, only to find that his infuriating infatuation was not there. Harry immediately felt uneasy, Draco never missed a Potions class. As he sat down with Ron at their usual table he glanced over and asked 

"Where do you reckon Dr-Malfoy is?" 

He stuttered over Draco's name and severely hoped Ron hadn't noticed. Fortunately Ron was busy covertly staring at Hermione so he just muttered a "s'don't ask me" as Harry rolled his eyes.

The class went on without much happening although Harry still spent most of the time wondering where the heck Draco was. It bothered him that he didn't know. Damn it, he hated how much this boy could get to him. However. Harry was so busy kicking himself for caring so much about Draco that he didn't realize until too late that Snape was telling them to set into partners for a project they would be starting next lesson. He glanced over at Ron hopefully but he just smiled back meekly and pointed at Hermione who shrugged. 

And then before he knew it. Everyone else was partnered up. And he was alone. At first he was relived but a bit annoyed he'd have to work alone as the project was sure to be hard, That is until Snape narrowed in on him  
And said in his greasy voice 

"Ah Mr Potter. No luck finding a partner? Well then your in luck that one of my students is away today."

Oh no, Harry thought. He knew who it was before Snape even said it. 

"You can work with Mr Malfoy. I will inform him of course" he said with a smile that could rival that of a predatory fox. 

Harry nodded and winced. Fortunately he was saved more embarrassment by the bell, at which he rushed straight up to his dorm, Grabbed the first sharp thing he could find and ripped at his arm. The blood gushed out in small torrents to the best of his heart as he breathed a sigh of relief. It always felt better after he cut sometimes. He watched the blood pulse out of the would for a few more seconds before closing it up and cleaning up the blood with the wave of his wand. 

He noticed he felt a bit woozy. That's to be expected. He should eat.


	10. The Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco is still hot, Harry is still pining. Life goes on as normal

After dinner that night Harry had gone and collapsed into bed. He was tired and still a bit dizzy after his last session with the knife, yet he found he could not sleep soundly. He woke up about 100 times that night from dreams. 

Bad dreams, where Draco teased and ridiculed him, he preferred these ones as he knew they were the most probable; Wet dreams, where Draco seduced him and they spent all day in bed in bliss, these ones he begrudgingly welcomed even though he'd wake up from them with a hard-on and an uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mouth; But the ones he despised the most were the good dreams. 

In these dreams his mind let go and showed him the impossibility of _dating_ Draco Malfoy. The wonder, the joy, the knowing looks, the day's spent outside under a tree together. Those hurt the worst. Because he knew that could _never_ happen and he hated to even let himself think about it because it brought on a type of sadness that the numbness couldn't conceal. When those dreams happened he got up and he cut, or if he couldn't even do that, he laid and cried silent tears. 

All that just made the next potions lesson all that much worse. 

It had been a Friday when he was assigned to work with Draco and so he'd had all weekend to feel sorry for himself and dwell moodily over the boy who had captured his heart as well as his dreams apparently. He'd had a new one appear over the weekend that consisted of them working together in the potions room and Draco touching him inappropriately under the desk as Harry struggled to keep a straight face. 

He dragged through the day on Monday severely hoping he'd come down with some sickness or something would happen with Voldemort so that he'd have to miss potions, alas not so much as a twinge of his scar had happened that day so he let Hermione drag him to potions. 

As he stepped into the classroom he was pretty sure his heart had stopped for a solid minute because in all of Merlin somehow Draco had gotten even more handsome. He already felt a tad warm as soon as he saw the glorious boy, but when Snape announced that they would be sitting with their partners for the majority of the project Harry's temperature sky rocketed. 

He gathered his stuff and sent and sat himself down next to his sworn enemy and now crush feeling the blush creeping up his neck as he remembered his dream from the other night. Draco just scowled at him. Harry put his hands up in a _"hey I didn't choose this"_ manner and then turned begrudgingly away from the beautiful boy next to him to look at the blackboard where Snape was explaining the project. 

They were all going to make an Everlasting Elixir and each would take about a fortnight to make. They would have to schedule checking the potions between class time and when to put in ingredients etc. At the end of the lesson Draco slid a piece of paper towards him with times and names and when to add ingredients written on it in his neat scrawl. 

"This is our schedule. I would urge you to stick to it Potter I would prefer not to get a failing grade" he sneered. Harry just nodded and turn to place the paper in his bag. He wasn't sure he trusted himself to speak at the moment. 

Draco was packed and ready to leave before Harry so he surreptitiously watched him glide out of the room sighing a bit as he remembered the dreams he'd had about them. He forced himself to choke down his blush and got up to go to his dorm for a quick break before dinner. 

God knows he'd have to walk around the castle 15 times to calm down his excitable nerves.


	11. Imagination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our token baby gay runs into his crush late at night and the sexual tension could be cut with a KNIFE.

Harry glanced down at the schedule Draco had made for them after their last positions class and noticed that he was on duty to stir the potion that night. It was almost getting too late to go down so he grabbed the invisibility cloak just in case and slipped out the portrait hole. 

As he walked through the castle Harry couldn't help but feel sorry for himself. Well, who could blame him really. Umbridge was a bitch, Snape was a being a git, and of course Harry had to go falling in love with his bloody arch nemesis. It was like something out of a depressing movie. 

For all his thinking Harry arrived at the potions room with crescent moon shaped indents in his palm from his nails, and a sufficiently destroyed mood. He watched the potion for a bit and looked over the instructions in his book, adding a little bit of the next ingredient and giving it a couple stirs, and was about to head out when none other then Draco bloody Malfoy swaggered into the room looking perfect as ever. 

Obviously Harry did a double take as he was wearing what could be considered pyjamas by the way they looked rumpled and worn in. Harry found himself looking down at the mans abs and forced himself to look up, tho he couldn't stop himself licking his lips just the once. 

"Uhm. I was on the schedule for tonight..." Harry said warily. "I know," Draco responded, "I- I just couldn't sleep and thought it wouldn't do any harm to check on it again if you'd already come." Was that Harry's imagination or had Dracos voice gotten softer. "Uhm. Haha ya guess it couldn't hurt..." Harry laughed nervously a bit. 

Wait. Did he just see Draco look him over? It seemed like it. Harry stood there a bit longer and...Yes! There. He just did it again! Harry was no expert in flirting but it definitely seemed like Draco was bloody checking him out! He made the move to leave but halted when he heard Draco growl "stop" 

Harry froze at the husky sound to his voice and obediently stood still as the older boy raked his gaze along Harry's body. He then tentatively took a step towards Harry as though nervous and then quickly shook himself and backed away. Draco suddenly looked very uncomfortable. 

"well. Since your here and it looks good I'll just go back to my dorms now" 

Harry just nodded dumbly as Draco walked hastily out of the room. 

He stood there dumbstruck for a couple of minutes before walking back to his dormitory wondering what in merlins pants had just happened.


	12. Detention With Umbridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is late for detention with our least favourite toad bitch and he feels the pain, literally. Ron and Hermione are protective QUEENS

Harry realized just before he got to his dormitory that he'd had detention with Umbridge that night. Shit. He thought checking his watch. Shit shit shit shit shit. He'd missed almost half of it and that surely meant he'd be getting more. 

He sprinted down to the DADA office and burst in panting a quick "sorry I'm late sorry I forgot". Umbridge sent him a stern look and said "you'll get detention next week as well Mr Potter" he just nodded and sat down in his seat, picking up the quill with trepidation, and starting to write his lines. The now familiar, but still painful prick of the words on his hand started and soon enough the scars on his left hand reading "I must not tell lies" were reopened and oozing blood. 

He wrote the same words etched onto the back of his hand over and over for half an hour, clenching his hand to try and relieve any of the burning pain the scratching of the quill caused him. He was determined not to show the bitch how much it was bothering him and the few times he ended up dropping the quill by accident or it cut particularly deep and he hissed, she would just look up smiling sweetly and say "is something wrong Mr Potter?" 

As soon as it hit curfew he put down the quill and started getting up to leave, only to hear Umbridge say "where do you think your going Mr Potter? You were late you need to make up that time." And, unwilling to argue with her, Harry sat back down and wrote his lines for another half an hour. 

By the time Umbridge let him go it was half an hour passed curfew and his hand was worse then ever. First he ran to the nearest bathroom to run it under cold water for 5 minutes to try and help with the burning, and then he wound his way through the halls trying not to get caught by Filch. The nasty caretaker almost caught him once but he managed to hide behind a tapestry. 

When he finally stumbled into the Gryffindor common room he found Ron and Hermione waiting for him. 

"Harry where were you! We've been waiting we were worried sick when you weren't back before curfew and Ron said he saw you rush out again right after coming back and-"   
"Woah woah woah Hermione calm down. I forgot I had detention with Umbridge for talking about Voldemort and she made me stay late because of it." He shrugged, wincing involuntarily when it made his still throbbing hand burn with heat. Hermione was on him in an instant. 

"Whats wrong Harry?" She asked rushing over to him. He tried to wriggle away from her. "Nothing Hermione. Nothings wrong." Hermione didn't listen and continued examining him "nonsense I saw you flinch something must be- HARRY WHAT IS THIS?!" He winced as she found his hand and grabbed it. He immediately pulled it away as just having her touch it was excruciating. 

"It's nothing Hermione it's just Umbridge's dumb form of punishment." He shrugged it off but the stubborn girl would not be swayed. She held out her hand expectantly while staring him down. Honestly she scared him sometimes and he recognized the glint in her eyes well enough that he knew that if he didn't comply he'd be in some serious trouble, so he sighed and gave in placing his hand gingerly in hers. 

When she saw the writing etched into his hand she gasped. "Oh Harry, what did she do to you..." Harry opened his mouth to explain, but the shut it again as he realized he wasn't exactly sure. "I don't know." He said slowly "she makes me write lines with this quill but there's no ink it just. Uses my blood I guess and it took the words from the paper and put them on my hand" 

At that point Ron was standing over his shoulder glaring down at the words "I'm gonna kill her" he said. 

It went on like that for about an hour. They wanted to tell Dumbledore but in the end he convinced them that he wouldn't be able to do anything as she was placed there by the ministry. After begrudgingly agreeing Hermione and Ron went up to their respective dormitories and Harry followed behind closely. 

He knew as well as anyone he was in for a terrible nights sleep.


	13. Just A Normal Week, Or Is It.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is pissed at Draco and says things that end up with him being pined against a wall. Read on to see if it’s good or bad.

Harry laid in his bed that night trying to sleep, but alas he couldn't. He kept seeing Draco's eyes roving over his body and no matter how hard he tried to stop, and he tried very hard, all he could think of was Draco standing there in his rumpled sleep clothes telling him to stay in that growling voice. Hell Harry was getting a hard-on just thinking about it. At least it distracted him from his hand. 

He shook himself, got up, and headed into the washroom. He splashed his face, and hand, with some water and braced himself on the sink. He couldn't let himself believe that this is something that was real. It's easier if he pretends it doesn't mean anything even though in his opinion it definitely meant something. He shook his head, took a deep breath, and went back to bed to dream of cold grey eyes and growling voices. 

For the next week Harry went to his classes, he sat next to Draco during potions, and both of them pretended like nothing had happened. Which, Harry might like to add, was getting harder and harder by the day.

Harry kept waiting for some sort of sign that what had happened in the potions lab that night wasn't some sort of fluke or figment of his imagination. Maybe he was just so desperate for something to happen between them that his brain created this image of something. Was that possible? Harry didn't know. What he did know was that it was pissing him off how perfect Draco bloody Malfoy was acting like nothing at all had ever happened between them. He was getting fed up with it. So the next time Draco decided to tease him, which happened to be the next Hogsmeade trip, Harry retaliated. 

He had just been sitting there in The Three Broomsticks with Ron and Hermione, nursing a butterbeer, when the familiar drawl of the Malfoy heir came from behind him. 

"Hey Potter didn't expect to see you here. Would have thought you'd be off with Dumbly raving about your lunatic theories" he smirked "or did he ask you to spread your little rumours about The Dark Lord" 

Harry growled under his breath and shot out a snappy "Or maybe I'm just trying to, you know, save the entire wizarding world from inevitable doom at the hands of Voldemort" Harry rolled his eyes and stood up to meet Dracos glare. He was sick of holding in his feelings and it was making him pissed. Maybe a good fight would get rid of them. "But you'd know all about Voldemort's little plans wouldn't you Malfoy" He cocked his head and sneered "Or is daddy too distrusting to share" 

Harry was feeling pretty proud of himself for that while looking at Dracos shocked face...until he was suddenly being slammed against the wall by the older blonde, That shook his confidence pretty quickly. 

"You know **nothing** of my father or his associations Potter" Draco spat in a low livid voice. Harry was too shocked to respond and, hyper aware of the boys hand around his throat and the alarms going off in his head that he was getting angry enough he might get hurt, didn't say anything. Draco shoved him once more and walked out the door, his gang of cronies following behind him. 

Harry vaguely heard Ron say something along the lines of "I'm gonna kill him" and Hermione asking if he was alright. He just nodded, took a long sip of his butterbeer, and started talking about how Umbridge better teach them something soon or their all going to fail their OWL's. That's when Hermione got a nervous look on her face.

"Well, um, about that Harry." She said slowly. "I may have had an idea about how to avoid that."


	14. Dumbledore’s Army

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione bugs Harry for an obnoxiously long amount of time about leading the DA

Harry stared blankly at Hermione. She had just finished proposing to him that they make their own group to learn Defense. At first he thought it was a great idea, until she asked if he would run it. 

“So?” Hermione looked at him hopefully. “Will you do it?” 

Harry just continued looking at her, his face becoming more and more apprehensive. 

“...Harry?” Hermione asked after a few seconds. She was looking at him with pleading eyes, trying to get him to say something. 

Harry finally came to his senses. “Nope. Nope nope nopety nope nope” Harry said immediately getting up. “I will not run this group.” He said as he walked out of The Three Broomsticks, Ron and Hermione following close behind. 

Hermione bugged him about it the entire rest of the day. While they were at Zonkos, Honeydukes, the Shrieking Shack, walking through the town, and she even continued talking about it while walking across Hogwarts grounds. 

“Please Harry this would be great for all of us” Hermione begged while they were walking into the Entrance Hall. Harry opened his mouth to respond, but Hermione cut him off saying “And don’t you dare say your not qualified your the best at Defense in our year and you’ve defeated You Know Who 4 times!” Harry scowled and shot back “I was only a baby the first time and I don’t even know how I did it” but Hermione just levelled him with a stern glare and said “Exactly” 

Harry was beginning to think about agreeing just to shut her up. He listened to her beg all the way up to the common room throwing in small comments about how it was all luck, and that he honestly didn’t know how he was still alive. Which was true he honestly had no idea. Most of the time he wished Voldemort had succeeded in his mission, that way he wouldn’t be stuck here with an unrequited crush, and Hermione trying to get him to join, and lead, a student run Defense group. 

He had spaced out for a little bit and came to to Hermione begging him, once again, to lead the group. By this point they were in the common room and she was looking at him with that look that told him she would just keep doing this till he said yes. So he finally, reluctantly, said “Fine. I’ll do it. But your running everything ok?” Hermione’s face lit up in excitement. “Alright! Thank you so so so so much Harry!!” 

Harry groaned but he smiled a bit. “No problem Hermione. Now get off of me I have to go get my transfiguration essay done” the last part he said because Hermione has latched onto him in a absolutely bone crushing hug. 

As soon as Hermione let go of him he went quietly up to his dorm. As much as he loved Hermione she could be a bit much sometimes. And all he wanted to do right now was take some time to himself to let the fake smile fall off his face and relax. He was having a bad day, usually the numbness took over and Harry was happy to let it do that so he didn’t have to feel the sad, but today it hasn’t leaving Harry to survive all day with bone crushing sadness weighing him down like a 1000 pound weight over his head. So Harry went and did the only thing he knew how to do on days like these to make it easier. 

He went into his trunk, grabbed the old switchblade he’d brought by accident from the Dursley’s, went into the bathroom, and chose a place to slice. 

Today he choose a spot on his abdomen and sliced it open watching the blood lazily bead up and roll down his stomach, staining his skin red. After a minute or so of watching it he cleaned it up and cast a spell he’d learned in the library to close it without a scar. 

Now that that’s finished, he actually does have to finish that essay.


	15. Hiatus

Hey guys,  
I’m sorry I’ve been so inactive lately, but I’m just not really feeling this fic anymore. It’s not getting too much attention on here anyways but I figured that any readers who do check in on this fic should know that I’m not planning on continuing it. I might of course but I’m just not vibing with it anymore. We’ll see what happens in the future but until then consider this fic abandoned.   
-Pipedream69


	16. A/N

Hey guys, I know it's been a while since I was on here and if your lucky I might update tonight!!! I've been reading through you guys comments and I'm so thankful to have all these wonderful fans tbh I never thought this would get so popular 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺. But anyways, I think what I'm going to do is speed up my original plan, so this fic will not be going through all the events of OOTP. Hopefully you guys are ok with this and I'll still try and make it interesting, and even maybe leave an open ending so that you guys can continue this fic on your own if you're inspired!! (If you did that I would literally die because w h a t) but yes! This fic will be continued! I'm sorry for leaving you all hanging!!   
Sincerely, your stressed insomniac author,   
pipedream69


	17. The Beginning Of Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally gets caught, and Draco has emotions???

After Hermione's ridiculous request that Harry had stupidly agreed to, he spent most of his free time making lesson plans which to he found actually helped distract him quite nicely. Of course he still cut every now and then but he had slowed down considerably. 

The first meeting came and went with the suggestion of the name, Dumbledore's Army, and methods of contact, charmed galleons that would get hot when a message was sent through them, and the place, the room of requirement. Harry was distracted by all the planning and by Umbridge's infernal behaviour which consequently, caused him to miss his check in day on the potion which Draco berated him about before class, yelling at him to make sure he got there next time or he'd regret it, Harry heard him mutter to Pansy Parkinson that he "wasn't going to lose a grade to an uppity git like Potter." Harry just sighed and put it in his mental to do list. 

He'd thought he'd been getting a bit better, but as these thing tend to happen, the pressure kept mounting and eventually Harry had to do something about it so he found himself in a bathroom between classes, distractedly muttering the same cutting curse he'd been using for weeks which backfired on him because he cut a little too deep for his liking. He'd been in the middle of watching the blood flow when he heard footsteps and who should walk in but Draco bloody Malfoy, but that wasn't even the surprising part. That was the look of alarm on Draco's face when he took in the scene. 

Draco rushed forward and brandished his wand, causing Harry to flinch, but he only cast a healing charm.  
"What the fuck Potter?!"

Harry only averted his gaze and starts gathering his things with a mumbled "thanks I guess" 

Draco grabs his arm. "No, tell me what the fuck just happened, I come in here and find you calmly staring at a bleeding wound so I think I deserve an explanation" 

Harry and Draco weren't exactly close, sure they're conversations had gotten less murderous in private throughout the length of the project, but nothing that would explain the level of concern and slight fear shining through Draco's usually well placed mask and he just stares in shock "what do you care Malfoy?" 

"Maybe because I don't want my potions partner dying on me? Who did that" 

"No one did it. I could have stopped it anytime I wanted Draco I'm not incompetent" 

"Well it sure looked like it? If no one did it then-" a look of understanding dawns on his face and he sneers weakly "figures the chosen one would harm himself. What, looking for attention on famous potter? And it's Malfoy to you" 

Despite Draco's obvious intent the words came out softer then he meant them to, still laced with concern and his hand still tight around Harry's arm. Harry reluctantly pulled back. "I'm find Malfoy. Leave me alone." 

Surprisingly Malfoy heads his advice and sends a heavy look back at him before leaving. One that Harry would dream about for days.

After that Draco's taunts became less and less, and not as harsh, their conversations growing outside of potions class to more suitable topics and Harry was sure he'd caught Draco staring at least 3 times. He was flabbergasted. He just knew that something was up, but he couldn't put a finger on it. The only logical explanation was that Draco liked him, but that couldn't be possible.  
...could it?


	18. Flirting, Desperation, And A Whole Lot Of Snogging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys finally get their fucking shit together.

Soon enough Harry and Draco's potion project is finished and handed in so Harry expects that to be the last he hears of Draco so close to him, but then why was he finding him everywhere? In the library, courtyard, honey dukes, Draco was always there. It was driving Harry insane. 

He tried everything to get him off his mind, including more cutting but curiously, he just couldn't make himself do it much after remembering Draco's worried face that day in the washroom. It haunted him. 

He refused to let himself dwell on the impossible and threw himself into the DA. He made lesson plans, did private lessons, talked with Hermione and Ron, even as Umbridge's ridiculous decrees piled up and up and up. Winter break passed in a blur of colour and presents Harry appreciated but didn't remember. 

And then she found the DA. Cho Chang's friend Marietta had blabbered about it and Umbridges infernal Inquisitorial Squad had triumphed the Room Of Requirement, but luckily they'd gotten everyone out safely. After that ridiculous stunt they had decided not to hold anymore meetings for a while just to be safe which made Harry restless and antsy for something to distract himself lest he spiral. However soon enough he did. 

He woke up every day either numb, or heavy with indescribable sadness. His feelings bottled up inside with no way to escape him and honestly it made his skin itch and feel too tight. He was drowning in himself but he couldn't let anyone know. He was the Chosen One. He wasn't supposed to feel weighed down or upset or scared because he could take down Voldemort! But Harry didn't feel that way at all. 

His vices weren't enough and his mind too small to handle the things he needed to keep hidden. He couldn't sleep well or eat well, sit still or move, be truly happy or productive. He was a mess. And it only got worse after Umbridge forced Dumbledore out of office. 

After that everything went downhill. He was constantly worrying, writing letters to Sirius and Remus day and night and needing to know they were alive and well and what was going on with Dumbledore and having to word it just right so that Umbridge couldn't identify anything from reading his letters. He couldn't focus in class, the DA took up too much of his time, his sanity was cracked, and his grades were falling rapidly, which is how he found himself in the library at 7pm on a Saturday night with a pile of books and parchment in front of him, preparing to tackle his giant mountain of homework. 

He was about a third of the way through when who should appear but the blonde haired, grey eyed weasel Harry was all too affected by. Surprisingly he sat down and they worked in silence for a long while before Harry got up to go find a book, and Draco trailed after him. 

Harry quickly got suspicious "why are you following me Malfoy" 

Draco sneers "believe it or not, checking on you. Have you even been eating you look like skin and bones."   
Draco continued like that, asking questions about his well-being disguised as taunts and teases before Harry snapped "Why do you even care anyways Malfoy?!" 

Draco was silent for a moment before he says, his voice laced with anger and hatred. "Why do I care? Why do I care?! Well believe it or not Potter but unfortunately I care about you you overgrown barn rat. I am infuriatingly and unforgivably cursed by your stupid emerald eyes and dumb messy raven hair that gives me the irresistible urge to run my fingers through it to tame it down. I hate you and everything you stand for and yet I can't help but notice when you don't eat or sleep or change something and great Merlin I am unfortunately I'm love with you you-" 

Draco undoubted had more to say but he was cut off because in a fit of self confidence Harry had shot forward and kissed Draco Malfoy dead on the mouth, and to his surprise, Draco reciprocated. Their mouths moving against one another in tandem. They spent what could have been second or hours like that, Draco pushing Harry back against the bookcase and kissing him senseless and eventually breaking apart for air, both of them looking dazed before they jumped apart from one another, both going to speak at the same time. 

"What was tha-" "what the fu-" 

They both stared at eachother and Draco mutters "fuck it" before leaning in again to kiss Harry, gentler this time. When they broke apart Harry swallows and whispers* I feel the same way about you Draco. 

As they both processed they kissed some more and then spent hours talking, figuring out the other really wasn't all that bad away from prying eyes. After that night the library became their meeting spot. Sneaking around to find eachother and press hungry kisses to the others mouths. 

Harry quite honestly couldn't quite believe his luck.


	19. The Finale Or Whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end! Finally! Hope you enjoyed this weird funky fic!

As Harry and Draco's affair continued their feelings for eachother only grew, of course they had to keep up the act of antagonizing eachother in public buy in private it was laughs and fuzz. Harry's main problem was worrying about Hermione and Ron. 

He didn't want them to find out just yet so most of his attention was spent on that. He tried to make it natural, going to the library, sneaking out in the invisibility cloak, making lesson plans with them like usual. At the moment he was mildly sure none of them suspected anything. Ron least of all he thought. He was lucky his best friend wasn't too sharp. However his other one was and he thought she might be picking up on something. 

She asked countless questions, starting to tag along to the library and and subtly tried to get things out of him but he held fast. Eventually she lost interest and forced him to focus on the upcoming O.W.L.S. 

His meetings with Draco got less frequent as he was studious as well and he found himself thinking Draco and Hermione would get along. 

The weeks passed in an insane blur of studying, DA sessions, questions, Umbitch, and snogging when possible so Harry was glad to have a break in the form of Draco after curfew. 

Draco had invited him on a date and had told him to come to the Astronomy Tower at Midnight which Harry headed by grabbing the Invisibility Cloak. He slowly made his way up there and found Draco there alone. He greeted his Boyfriend, Draco had asked the question of labels a week ago, with a kiss and a smile. "So why'd you bring me all the way up here, Dray?" 

Draco smiled at him and waved his wand, revealing a blanket obviously taken from the slytherin dorms, some food, and a telescope "I thought we could have a nice night somewhere other then the library" 

Harry agreed and with that he sits down with Draco and they quickly dissolve into easy conversation and laughter in between which they eat and Draco points out constellations he'd learned by heart as well as playfully naming a greenish planet he found with the telescope "Harry"

Harry laughed and they kissed and talked and cuddled and talked some more and eventually the two boys fell into silence. Harry could think of no better place to be right now, huddled up with his boyfriend under a heating charm they'd cast watching the stars. He let his guard down and he felt genuinely happy for the first time in a very very long time. He'd worry about Ron and Hermione and the future another day, right now all he wanted to focus on was how Dracos hair turned silver in the moonlight and how relaxed he looked. He was content to spend the rest of his life there with him and never move at all from where Draco had laid them down. Harry didn't think that his life could get bad again because all he could think about was his boyfriends heartbeat and hopefully lasting relationship. Nothing could ever possibly stain that relationship could it? 

Over the course of a lifetime Harry would find out the answer to that question, but for now he was contented to lay with Draco underneath the stars in the highest tower in Hogwarts for a night of peace and quiet that, unknowingly to Harry, would be broken quite soon, in an irreparable way.


	20. THANKS GUYS

Oh my god. It’s over. Finally. My writers block had me bad with that one holy crap. It’s almost 1 in the morning when I’m writing this so I’m going to do this quickly but I just wanted to say thank you to every single person who read this and that since this is an open ending, feel free to write your own fics that take place after this! Or even from Draco’s point of view! So many ideas!! Just make sure to give me credit either on here: pipedream69  
Or on Wattpad: Fanfiction_Fanaticc

Happy fic writing and reading everybody!!


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